THE DOSSIER
84,301 messages. 11 channels. 28 humans and a gambling bot that outposted most of them. Everything below is drawn from what these men typed voluntarily, in writing, with timestamps.
Compiled at the request of the server. One private channel has been excluded from this edition in full — its messages are absent from every count, chart and quote below. No quote has been invented; slurs are censored in quotes and counted by category rather than reprinted. If something in here is unflattering, it is because someone hit enter.
01
The Numbers
Before anyone gets roasted individually, here is the shape of the thing. One man wrote a third of it. One channel is a slot machine. And the graph of the server's life is a straight line down from the moment its owner got a job.
Who actually talks here
Lifetime messages per human poster. The top six account for 92% of everything ever said in Swimdog Co.
Bots excluded — including OwO, which "posted" 8,572 times purely because christian.opus kept feeding it.
The death of a server, month by month
Total human messages per month. Elite-One started a full-time job in February 2025. Wolfer's diagnosis — "This discord has been going downhill ever since Ben stopped being a NEET" — is not a joke, it's a trendline.
Peak: the months when MajorMud was still in the building and everyone had something to argue about.
When each of them is awake
Share of each man's messages by hour, UTC. christian.opus peaks in the American evening because that is when the bot resets. 6sic6 and Elite-One have jobs and it shows. Wolfer is in Korea and has simply given up on the concept.
Each panel is scaled to its own peak — the shape is the point, not the height.
Everyone has a room
Percentage of each man's output by channel. Read the diagonal: christian.opus lives in a casino, Gerald lives in the AI channel he named, and MetalLizard is everywhere at once, which is the entire problem.
Darker cell = larger share of that person's own messages. Row totals are 100%.
02
The Slur Index
Counted by regular expression across all 84,301 human messages, bucketed by category, and reported without reprinting anything. Two tiers: hard slurs (ethnic, racial, homophobic, transphobic — the ones with no innocent usage) and soft/degrading terms (the r-slur, misogynist terms, ableist language). A third bucket tracks Holocaust-and-Jewish-topic vocabulary, which is not a slur count — it is a measure of how often these men are talking about it, and the answer is: constantly.
Methodology, briefly. Regex matching over raw message text, case-insensitive, word-boundary anchored. It cannot tell irony from sincerity, quoting from asserting, or a reclaimed usage from an aimed one. It also cannot read the eleven thousand images nobody transcribed. Treat every number as a floor, not a ceiling.
The leaderboard
Total hits per person, split by tier. MetalLizard is not merely first — he is first by more than the second and third combined.
Hard slursSoft / degradingJewish-topic vocabulary
Only members with at least one hit are shown. Nine people registered zero, which in this server is its own kind of achievement.
Rate, not volume — the honest ranking
Hard-tier slurs per 1,000 words written. This is the chart that stops MetalLizard hiding behind his word count and hands the crown to a Norwegian who barely speaks.
Minimum 800 words to qualify. Gaahl clears the field on a per-word basis while ranking seventh by volume.
What kind, exactly
Category totals across the whole archive.
Note the top entry: Jewish-topic vocabulary outnumbers every actual slur category. This is a room where "is Gerald the neo-Nazi" is a recurring bit, 6sic6 is Jewish by blood and deploys it tactically, and MetalLizard reportedly owns a Star of David necklace and a Soviet tattoo.
03
The Mud Index
MajorMud posted 415 messages across six weeks and was permanently banned on 22 January 2025. This is a chart of everyone else, talking about him, for the next seventeen months.
Mentions of MajorMud per month
The vertical line is his ban. He was discussed more in August 2025 — seven months after the ban — than in his own first month here, and he is still coming up a year and a half later — including a February 2026 unban poll that drew eighteen votes in a server with fewer than eighteen members.
Counts any message containing "mud", "majormud" or the ::mud:: emote. Some noise from the #🐜-mud-pit channel name and from actual mud; the shape survives it.
Who keeps saying his name
Messages mentioning Mud, per person. The three loudest are the three who claim to be over it.
Gerald diagnosed himself accurately in January 2025: "the only things I can talk about is mud or metal."
04
The Web
Who is actually talking to whom. Every line below is a counted reply — one person hitting reply on another person's message. Thickness is volume; this is affection and hostility indistinguishable from each other, which is the truest possible representation of this group.
The reply graph
Top 26 directed reply relationships. Hover any line for the count and direction.
Gerald → MetalLizard (634) is the single busiest channel of human contact in the archive. Wolfer ↔ Gerald is the only genuinely balanced pair in the top ten.
How they feel about each other
A directed sentiment matrix, hand-coded from what each man actually says about the other. Read across a row: this is what that person thinks of everyone else.
Coded from quoted statements, not inferred from tone. Blank = no meaningful interaction on record.
05
The Dossiers
Nine full files: the eight heaviest posters, plus the one who barely posted at all and is somehow the most important person in the building.
06
The Undercard
Everyone else who spoke. Fewer messages, no less damning.
07
Superlatives
The 2024–2026 Swimdog Co. awards, decided on evidence.
Special recognition: Wolfer — for being rich, and for his service. 🫡
08
Photo Album
Visual evidence, filed by whoever owns it. Use the first dropdown to show only one man's photos; use the second to say who a new upload belongs to before you pick the file.
Nothing here yet. Pick who it belongs to, then upload something.
08
Raw Data
Every number in this document, in a table, so nobody can claim it was made up.
